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Archive for February, 2008
A Texas cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.. .
The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No”, he replies, “I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.”
The intrigued woman says, “a state-of-the-art watch?” “What’s so special
about it?”
The cowboy explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.” The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”
“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”
The woman giggles and replies “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, “Damn thing’s an hour fast.”
These classifieds were really put in the paper.
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER..
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog . . . able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK. $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES. California grown - 89 cents lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer.. No longer needed, Got married last month.
Wife knows everything.
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding…
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Electile Dysfunction : the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for president put forth by either party in the 2008 election year.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
“What are you doing?” She asked.
“Hunting Flies” He responded.
“Oh. ! Killing any?” She asked.
“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell them apart?”
He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone. “
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit peeved, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, “Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.”